It’s strange I’m not as worried about things when they are in chaos. When it’s fucked, it’s okay, because it’s not much different when it’s in line. And I like to be disconnected from all those standards that have been threaded so tightly into my psyche. Previously secret illusions started coming into my bedroom. I’m glad they showed themselves to me. Seems to have worked. At least I’m not thinking about them as much anymore, those lies that nobody told. Lies aren’t only human, you know.
But I wouldn’t want to come off as if I’m trying to impart something to you. I don’t know any more than anyone else. I’m the most average person in the world. I’m the kind of guy that everyone likes but few love. Those who love me have just known me long enough to feel that timely love. There’s love in repetition, it seems.
But the people who have come and gone are nothing to me anymore. They are no longer like the antique table passed down through the family. I no longer need to nurture my connections to them. No longer need to keep things clean with senseless phone calls every few months. They can move through their lives without the slightest trace of me, and me them. It’s all so simple.
Every time I see one of those sci-fi films with the aliens with long, thin arms and big, black eyes, I get the sense that they frighten us because they seem void of all emotion. Just static faces looking through you. No sympathy. No mercy. No love. They are our souls stripped down to base form. Just mechanisms. I’ve come to love the look of those aliens. I’ve come to feel the way they look. We call them the “greys.” When I was child I was horrified of the greys. Now I like them. I want them to take me away and do who knows what to me. That would be the best kind of chaos. It’d be a kind of orderly chaos. I’m sure they’re tuned into that kinda thing.
In fact, I bet the greys are great liars. Maybe lying is a part of their DNA in some way. Maybe long ago they found a way to string it into their makeup and now they’re the embodiment of deception. But it wouldn’t be deception anymore. It would just be their natural way. Take beauty out of the equation entirely and evil is no longer evil. It’s just base. And I’m sure where they live there are no phones. I like to think of it as a noiseless place. I’ll think about that tonight.